Why are we feeling lonely? And how can we cope when we feel isolated and disconnected in a pandemic?
The absence of familiar physical contact, and of regular interactions with others, has taken its toll during the past six or seven months. It’s a situation that looks likely to continue for quite some time. So today I’m sharing what makes me feel lonely right now, along with a few of the practices that help me to feel less alone and more connected when those lonely blues strike.
So why are we lonely? What are we missing…?
I’m lucky enough to have a loving husband and two kids at home in my bubble. But I still feel lonely. How can that be?
I’m missing hugs more than I’d ever imagined. Hugs outside my little ‘bubble’. The freedom to reach over and comfort a friend in pain, or be comforted myself. The warmth. The calm that comes over my body when I hold and am held for as long as we both need right then, by someone who understands. For whom I’m not the mother or the wife.
I’m missing just hanging out without counting the number of people or choosing who gets to come. As an introvert who’s sometimes still an extrovert, I’m missing making big plans on the spur of the moment. I’m missing being in and out of other people’s houses without a second thought, sharing flasks of tea or bottles of water, sitting close together to get warm.
I’m missing my regular Monday morning meet-ups with two friends where I could get anything off my chest over coffee and start the week feeling heard and refreshed. I’m missing being able to make plans to meet up with loved ones who are far away.
I’m missing feeling safe in a crowd. I’m missing seeing smiles in shops – the whole smile, not just the part that reaches the eyes – the ‘light touch’ connections that remind you that you are safe and at home here. I’m missing meeting up with swimming friends without having to decide whether to move down towards that emptier part of the beach instead so that we’re all safe.
I’m missing the steadying belief that in a crisis, all those I love and respect would interpret how to care for others in roughly the same way, and clear guidance would be given by those at the helm.
There are so many things missing right now.
Individually, each of these things might be manageable, but together, over a long period of time, they can feel overwhelming. If we’re already feeling anxious and stressed – if so many of the small things that have always helped us to feel connected are missing – and if distance means that we notice more differences than similarities – we get lonely.
Loneliness is not a failing. It’s a reasonable human response to the situation in which we find ourselves right now. And that’s true even if we are not physically alone – even if we are lucky enough to be able to spend precious time with those loved ones in our ‘bubble’.
So how can we cope with our pandemic loneliness?
When loneliness strikes, I let myself feel the discomfort. I offer myself some compassion. And I remind myself that I’m not alone in the loneliness.
So here I am, connecting to you, and sharing some of the ways that I help myself to feel that loneliness and move through it. I hope some of these ideas help you to survive pandemic loneliness and disconnection too.
1. Hug yourself
Yes, it’s not quite the same, but we can soothe our own sympathetic nervous systems with gentle compassionate touch and soothing sounds.
Although it can feel pretty weird at first, hugging ourselves can bring our parasympathetic nervous system on track, allowing our whole body to relax. See if you can become aware of the sensation both of touching, and of being touched (or of hugging and of being hugged), switching between the two perspectives to feel them both.
And try to hold yourself for at least 20 seconds, because that’s when the endorphins kick in…
2. Connect to Nature
The simple act of getting outside into nature always helps me to feel less alone. (You probably already know that it helps me with pretty much everything actually…).
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I’ll have a little chat with the ancient trees (don’t judge), or with the seals bobbing about in the bay. Reaching out to connect to nature helps me to feel less isolated.
Step outside, or open a window. Take a few moments to simply observe the evidence of the natural world all around you, even if that’s far above the high-rises, or growing between the pavement slabs. In nature, we find reminders of our place in an intricate system of connections. From the tiniest creation to the greatest, all of nature is interconnected.
And of course, nature is in people too. In our characteristics, movements, similarities, needs and desires. In the fact that we feel lonely because we need and love each other. It reminds us that we are not alone in the experience of feeling lonely either.
3. Seek out a water hug (or a breeze)
Whether it’s the cold sea or a hot bath, being in water offers a similar experience to being touched and held. In the water, I have the sensation of my whole body being embraced by liquid – and sometimes that will do.
When I swim each morning in the sea, I sometimes lie on my back and imagine that I’m being hugged by the water – and that I’m hugging back. Being in water calls in all those ‘blue mind’ benefits identified by Wallace J Nichols – all of which can help us to feel calmer, clearer and more connected. Time in the water helps me to face my loneliness and take action.
Sometimes the wind can do this for me too. When I bring my awareness to the touch of a breeze on my skin, or stand, buffeted by a gale, leaning into the wind. It offers that same sensation of being held.
Soak in the bath, stand in the shower, head to the sea, walk into the wind. Bring your attention to the feeling of the water or breeze on your skin. To being touched. To being held.
4. “I’m lonely, how are you?“
Getting in touch with loved ones, sharing your feelings with others, and talking to those I trust – letting loved ones know that I am feeling lonely – always helps.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that neither I nor my feelings are a burden, that loved ones want to help – and that my experiences are valid, even though I am also lucky in many ways. If I don’t feel up to talking, then texting, chatting with friends on the other side of the world by voice message, or posting in trusted online groups, helps me to feel less disconnected.
Every time we reach out to someone we trust, and they respond, we feel a little less alone. Whether we’re together in person or virtually speaking the words aloud, sharing our truths allows a little part of the loneliness to gently release. When I let my ‘lonely’ be held by someone else, it doesn’t feel quite so bad. I’m reminded of the wonderful relationships I have in my life, that will still be there when this is all over.
Who could you text or call to let them know how you feel? They might be feeling the same way, just waiting for the chance to share.
5. Discover new ways of making ‘physical’ contact with loved ones
Because my friends are mostly huggers, we’ve tried various different (and frankly quite eccentric) approaches to safely making physical contact with each other outside – and none have been wholly successful.
Touching elbows, or feet, even for a while, doesn’t really compare to a hug – it’s all a bit too spiky. Hugging our own kids while imagining we’re also hugging our friend two metres away kind of works – if the kids are amenable. Our most successful attempt so far has been standing at a little distance from each other, back to back. I think that last one worked best because we were consciously bringing a hug to mind, together, so that’s what I’m exploring now.
Standing at a distance from a loved one, you can allow your shoulders, jaw, body to soften, just as you would in a hug. Allow your breath to slow, as you take a few moments to quietly tune into each other’s presence and love. You can close your eyes and visualise your energy reaching across the space between you. Or you can look into your friends’ eyes, and hold their gaze – gaze itself can be a powerful connector.
Yes, it’s not as easy as hugging – where your body does all that work for you – but it’s still possible to connect at a distance.
6. Find new rituals for connecting with yourself and others
When we feel lonely, establishing some grounding and connecting rituals can help to steady us. Choosing a Sea Soul Blessings card when I’m feeling low always helps me to pause and reflect. To be present with my emotions, without judgement. It also reminds me that I am connected to something greater than myself.
The image of the sea helps me to remember I am connected to nature, and the words spark an inner conversation with that greater force. The blessings make me feel that someone somewhere, a universal energy, a deva, a god, mother nature, whatever it may be – is with me, looking out for me. I am not alone.
During the pandemic, I’ve also really appreciated creating new rituals – being able to share the Sea Soul Blessings messages with others regularly as a way to soothe and support them too. They work their soothing power whether we’re near each other or far apart. It’s another way I can give them a hug from a distance.
I hope these ideas offer you some inspiration to move through the lonely days. I’d love to hear how you’re feeling, and how you’re moving through those feelings of loneliness and isolation right now. Reach out by email, or in the comments below.
This too will pass. Know that I’m sharing space with you right here, through my words – and I’m sending you a hug on the wind, or across the sea.
Yours,
Lonely in a Pandemic.
